No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize