before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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