He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
