This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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