i would punch a child for taco bell
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
