Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
