I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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