If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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