it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
