I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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