You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
