we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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