We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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