I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hippo gnu deer
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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