Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We need to get me chipped asap
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
