Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize