And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
