his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
