I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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