theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
