My nipple is on Facebook.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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