i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You took a bar mat shot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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