Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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