He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
