Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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