i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
