Pants 0. Shit 1.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
