I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Still dying that you shit outside
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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