you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
