She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
