Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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