Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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