There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize