if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
