Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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