apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
