I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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