I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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