I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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