I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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