At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my being single is dangerous.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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