He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
