Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
