She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
