apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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