Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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