Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
pop tarts are not kleenex
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
