My friends, they love my intelligence
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
