i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
