ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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