considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
