I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
