apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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