did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
