so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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