You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
