I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
