I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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