hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Randomize
