my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
