I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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